Rebellion Chapter 1 (Continued)

The airstrike came without warning, shocking Pharaoh and a few of the other ground soldiers.
“Alright! You know what! Burn all of them to ashes!” Sergeant Exo barked at them.
“Yes Sir!” The soldiers called back and began their march into Law Giver’s Stadium.
The troops began to file into the houses and search it for Kurt’z crew. Furniture was overturned,cabinets emptied.
“Hey! We found one!” One of the soldiers announced with a grin, holding up the remains of a grenadier.
“Oh come on Gerald! That is so messed up!” His friend chuckled.
Suddenly, the soldier holding the body was on the ground, lazer hole in his head.
“Sniper! Get down!” Sergeant Exo commanded and ducked to miss another shot.“It’s a Sentry! Pharaoh! Where is that little rascal?”
“Just a sec,Exo!” Pharaoh stuttered and closed his eyes, activating the Eye of Ra. All he saw was black except for a white figure hunched behind the stands.
“Over there! Top of the stands in Sector B!” Pharaoh declared.
“Copy that Pharaoh! Bravo Team flush him out through the stairs!” Exo hollered.
Bravo Team moved towards the stairs before they were interrupted by vanguards dropping from a Kurtz helicopter.
“Oh dang! Take cover!” Bravo Team yelled but was too late.
Bravo Team got covered in bullets and their lifeless bodies dropped to the ground.
Pharaoh whipped out his SMG before he was pushed down by Exo.
“Hey Exo! What was that for?” Pharaoh shouted and started to get up.
“Just trust me Pharaoh. If you follow my orders you will survive.” Exo said calmly and brushed the dust off of his pants.
“OK, but we need to go…” Pharaoh said.
“No! We are not saving them! We need to go! Now!” Exo dragged Pharaoh to his feet and started tugging him away from the war zone.
They took off at a brisk pace but was interrupted by a helicopter crashing into the path in front of them.
“Not much time left till he comes,” Exo muttered.
“Not much time till who comes?” Pharaoh questioned.
“Kurtz,” Exo uttered and put a wet rag to Pharaoh’s face, “Night,Night little buddy”
Pharaoh dropped to the ground, falling into a sleepy trance.


Very good story! Plus I love the inclusion of some pre-existing characters such as Vanguard and Sentry! Just a few suggestions.

Breaking up the dialogue with spaces makes stories much easier to read, rather than having it be a block of text. It also helps to put the dialogue easier to read by using the > sign right before a new paragraph. For example:

The redness on my arms felt like electric needles pinching at my every movement. I could sense MacGuffin’s gaze as he looked at my burnt arm.

“Oy mate! You really should’ve brought some sunscreen!”

Something like that, just an example. It does help deliver the dialogue more neatly. Looking forward to upcoming chapters!

Also, it’s totally boss to add some “cover art” to the story, and would make your story pop out even more!

Ok! Thanks for the feedback! Btw. I love the SHILOH Transmissions!


nice story! please do more, and include more heros

Okey! I sure will! And btw. I will pick one person for a hero featured in chapter 2. They will also get a shout-out!